IFS has become quite popular and one thing I like to say about it is that – It may not resonate with you and that’s ok. Everyone is different and at various stages of our lives we are attracted to different ways of thinking and being. In the same way that someone may not like to sit in silent meditation or read Camu, IFS is also an acquired taste. For those with whom the concept of parts work resonates, it provides a very effective way to explore our own inner world. It is a systems thinking model which allows us to understand why we are conflicted inside and what is needed to resolve our internal conflicts. So with that said, here is a brief introduction to parts work using the IFS model.
In IFS, we understand various parts of ourselves as protectors and exiles. Separate from the parts, we have something called the Self. This is the benevolent energy we all have inside us. Within the protector parts, we have managers, who are proactive and firefighters, who are reactive. When we are in our habitual behaviour patterns for coping with life, such as overworking, people-pleasing, it is our managers who are in-charge. As an example, we find ourselves hanging out with certain colleagues at work and avoiding some others because we find them boring or intimidating.
On the other hand, when we find ourselves in uncomfortable situations where we don’t have much time to process what is going on and have to act in the moment, our firefighters react by taking over and extinguishing whatever fire they perceive as threatening. For example, we may be at a family get-together and someone callously makes a hurtful joke about our work, hair or clothes, and we are hit with a bout of shame and embarrassment. Our firefighters may make us lash back at them or leave in an angry huff. There is no time for us to take a pause and respond with patience and grace.
Both these types of protectors (managers and firefighters) are protecting exiles. Exiles are wounded parts of us that usually come into being when we are young and vulnerable but could also happen in adulthood. In the moments when we feel helpless and vulnerable in a situation, and we feel extreme emotions of fear, shame, humiliation, embarrassment, we may find ourselves alone and without any resources. The feelings are so strong that we cannot deal with them. In such a moment, an exile and a protector are born. The protector may have us get angry, move away, dissociate or disappear.
The protector also hides away the wounded part of us deep in our psyche so we don’t feel its pain, thereby exiling it. A manager, then, takes on the job to make sure that we stay away from these kinds of situations and find ways around such experiences throughout life. We all have such managers who distract us and keep us from going to places where we might be reminded of the exile and it’s pain that is hidden deep inside. In case the manager is not vigilant enough or another part in the system bypasses the manager, and we find ourselves in a place where our exile’s pain is activated, our firefighters jump in to save us from feeling more pain.
Often the intention of part is overshadowed by the affect of the part. For example, when a firefighter part makes us drink alcohol excessively, we judge and shame this part of us, forgetting that actually its intention is to save us from feeling pain by numbing us.
Self energy is required to step back and unblend from the protective energies in us so that we can gently and lovingly witness the exiles and their pain. The signs of Self energy are represented by the 8Cs – Curiosity, Calm, Compassion, Clarity, Connectedness, Confidence, Courage and Creativity. In the presence of Self, the exiles release the painful memories and beliefs they hold as burdens and the protectors no longer have to stand guard to avoid activation.
The goal of IFS is to integrate all these parts of us and to operate from the leadership of Self. This can be done by befriending the protectors, gaining their trust, then approaching the exiles, gaining their trust, unburdening the feelings and beliefs caused by the wounding experience and inviting other qualities into the system to take the place of the old beliefs.
Each of us may have many exiles and therefore, many more protectors. As we start to unburden the exiles, we release locked energies that can be allocated to other functions and feel lighter and brighter. How fast this work can happen depends on person to person. There is saying in IFS practice which is “Fast is slow”. This means that if we are gentle, understanding and patient without forcing or rushing our parts with an agenda to change, we may make progress faster. What I like about IFS is that the facilitator looks at the client’s Self energy as a “co-facilitator” and trusts the wisdom of the internal system.
If you would like to work with me, write to me. I offer sliding scale pricing for 70 min sessions. And 70 minutes because I believe that IFS cannot be hurried.
For those curious, this article explains the evolution of IFS: https://ifs-institute.com/resources/articles/evolution-internal-family-systems-model-dr-richard-schwartz-ph-d