U-Turn or You-Turn in Internal Family Systems – A Critical IFS Tool

A U-turn is a critical tool in the journey of knowing ourselves and others with clarity and perspective. A U-turn is when you decide to turn away from focusing on the outside and focus on the inside of yourself. To refer to it as a “You-turn” would also be apt.

Practicing making U-turns in less charged situations could make it possible to be able to do it when something on the outside is really making us uncomfortable or distressed. So, let’s see how we can start practicing U-turns in our lives.

We all know that It’s natural that we react to situations and behaviours of others when we are interacting with the world. People are going to be and do. Now, most of the time we are ok with other people and their behaviours, even when they don’t make complete sense to us. We can let them be. We can either accept, smile or overlook them. However, when the behaviour is such that it stirs something inside of us and makes us feel uncomfortable, that’s when we feel compelled, almost forced (without any conscious choice) to react to their behaviour.

As an example, consider this scenario: One evening, you are dining at a restaurant with a friend and the diners at the next table are talking really loudly. So much so that you cannot hear what your friend is saying.

Your friend laughs and rolls their eyes at what’s happening but you feel this heat and irritability rising in you. You feel as though they are being inconsiderate and impolite by encroaching into your quiet space in this way. And before you know it, you have made up a story about those people at the next table that includes choice words like uncouth, hillbillies, ignoramuses. Your irritation turns into anger and you want to tell them off. You start imagining the various ways in which you will do that. The only thing keeping you from doing it is your friend’s nonchalant demeanor about it.

You are puzzled and wonder why is it that only you are bothered with the loudness of the next table. This is when you decide to make a U-turn. You look for a part of you that is upset. You connect with this part, wherever it is manifesting. Let’s say in this instance, you are feeling your jaw tense and heat in your abdomen.

You let this part know that you can feel it and know that it’s here. You stay with the part and its sensations with curiosity. You want to get to know it and its experience with genuine interest. When the part feels your attention and care, it starts to relax. It shows you the scenarios where it has had to be on alert and ready to attack in the past when you were spoken over. When others in your life had louder voices and therefore, got more attention while you were overlooked. The part that holds this anger points to the sadness and loneliness that lies underneath it.

You realise that the people at the next table are reminding you of another time when your voice wasn’t heard because others were louder. They are not the ones from the past who ignored you. Your anger is about something in the past. You comfort the angry part and let it know that you get it now. And that you will attend to it and the sad parts as soon as you can find some privacy and solitude.

You relax and ask your friend if they would like to move to another table where you can hear each other. They are ok with that. So you beckon the wait staff and make your request stating that you prefer a slightly quieter table so that you can have a conversation. The wait staff are able to accommodate your request and move you to a table by the window.

You are glad that you didn’t let things escalate and approach the other table yourself with anger. Your dinner is pleasant and you enjoy yourself that evening with an enjoyable conversation and meal with your friend.

In this way, we can continue to find our unresolved experiences and do our work to heal ourselves. We become less reactive and more tolerant of others’ and our own shortcomings. This does not mean that we learn to bypass all the injustices we encounter. On the contrary, we learn to confront those with calm and confidence because we have tended to ourselves and refrain from reacting without reflection. It is a practice that gets better with time.

As facilitators, trained IFS practitioners are used to doing U-turns during sessions with clients and keep track of their parts that show up when something triggers old unhealed wounds inside us. We learn to get to know these parts really well and seek consultation or peer support to work through them after the session.

If you would like to work with me as your IFS practitioner and learn to do U-turns in your life, write to me 🙂

Also if this post resonated with you, leave a comment below. I would love to hear from you. ~Rupali

—————————#——————————–

refe